Two Women Were Murdered Separately This Week

Is it finally time to talk about how we are raising our sons?

This week, a man drove from his hometown in Alpharetta, Georgia to the apartment in Chicago where his ex lived. Maybe she was expecting him. Or maybe she was getting ready to go out and had no idea it was him.

What we can say is that it’s highly unlikely she knew what would happen next: that he would take out a gun, kill her, and then walk into the next room and kill himself.

When she made her Tik Tok video opening up to the stigma she faced as a recent divorcee, I know she would have been devastated to know that she would never get the chance to move to Chattanooga with her best friend, or take another photograph, or enjoy a life free from the shackles of abuse.

The very next day, another man in Milwaukee killed his 20-year old wife before killing himself, leaving behind their one-year old son.

I have no words for the two separate violent murders killing Sania Khan and Alwiya Mohamed.

Beautiful, vibrant lives were stolen and a 1-year old left parentless because two men could not accept rejection. They could not accept that their partners could choose to leave and one day find happiness and intimacy without them.

And those are just the ones that made news.

Is it time we talked about this yet?

The Male Violence Paradox

Women in every corner of the world have learned to live under the constant threat of violence.

One in three women you know is concealing a bruise, faking a smile, dodging punches and aimed guns, shielding her kids, and wondering if today he’ll be in a good mood.

We silence women, because it’s inconvenient to deal with their pain.

And we don’t know what to quite do with the men.

Our cultures have imposed a paradox that both celebrates and shrugs at male violence.

Across the ages, societies have deemed female tears as weaknesses, but male possessiveness and violence as strengths. We’ve idolized war, guns, bar fights, possessive boyfriends and husbands, and narcissistic behavior. We have normalized male violence to the point that we accept it as a fact of life.

And I believe it boils down one simple fact: We have failed to set expectations for men’s emotional management.

Look no further than the movies we produce, the tales we tell, the life lessons we pass on.

They teach our little boys entitlement. They teach them not to process, share, and talk, but to react: Punch, hit, shout, fight back, kill. When they get older, some men are taught they are owed things, that others are tools that exist for their happiness. That women are thing to be chased after and conquered, and that honor is worth killing for. That it’s their mom, girlfriend, wife or sister’s jobs to absorb their emotions for them.

They are taught that they are the main event and everyone else around them just props to their lives.

We have failed to give our little boys the tools to practice self-restraint or to process rejection or anger in a healthy way.

And in doing so, we have done them, and women, a huge disservice.

As a mom and a feminist, I refuse to normalize male violence. But breaking the cycle begins with the hard work early on of teaching our sons how to behave with restraint and real strength.

To Sania and Alwiya, and all victims of domestic violence, I wish you peace.

I’m so sorry for the years you lived in fear, and the fear that followed you until the final moment of your lives. You showered the world with beautiful smiles and were part of so many beautiful memories.

And now, it’s time you rest.

For the rest of us: we have work to do to raise our sons and boys to make sure this never happens again.